Victoria

He walked ahead first. I followed obediently. He walked so fast, I had to do quick sprints to catch up to him. He never looked back to see if I was behind him. He never looked back to check if I followed. He walked confidently forward, never looking back.

Victoria.

We sat down for a small group dinner. He sat across from me, Victoria to the side of me. His eyes smiled at Victoria, but never greeted mine. I was desperate. My eyes were screaming his name. Look at me! I wanted to shout. But it was as if he was avoiding contact.

No. Not all contact.

He stared deeply into Victoria’s eyes. I know it wasn’t to coax or flirt with her. But his eyes lit up when they spoke. He showed off his knowledge in politics and government. He spoke eloquently of social theories. He conversed academically of social work.

He wanted someone he could captivate. He wanted someone he could win over.

I wasn’t that person.

I sat on the side of the conversation in silence. I watched him dance with another mind. I watched until I couldn’t watch anymore.

I stood up. I walked away. I looked back. He had not noticed that I was missing. I could not help the tears that ran down the side of my face. I stared at the rock on my finger. I looked up at him. He was too busy putting himself on a pedestal to realize his partner had walked out on him. Too busy making himself look good for Victoria.

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Making the Same Mistakes on Repeat

He and I decided to separate and stay single for a week or two. We wanted to focus on ourselves for a bit. We promised to not let anyone else into our lives for that time being. This was a time to grow, to expand, and to become better for one another by focusing on our own goals and ambitions.

It was a bright moment. I had plans to build on my future career path, to spend time with family, to clean up my mind and my life.

I was inspired.

But then I saw him. My plans fell through. I fell backwards. I fell into darkness. My goals and ambition disappeared. I lost all self control.

He asked if I wanted to go with him.

To where? I asked.

Anywere you want, he coaxed.

I said, yes.

I let him take me by the hand. I let him hold my body. I let him kiss my lips.

I suddenly remembered the promise I made to Him. The promise to not let anyone else in my life. The promise to better myself for myself, by myself. Guilt ran over my body and I felt weak for not being able to stick to my words. For not being able to put into action the phrase I whispered to him so often: I love you.

When He asked if I was able to better myself, I lied and told him yes. When he asekd if there was anyone else involved in my life, I lied and told him no. I was stuck in a loop of the past, making the same mistakes over and over and over.

How do I step off of this nightmare?

The Kitchen Faucet is Chrome

Disclaimer: My dreams tend to be embedded with graphic imagery (mostly sexual). Read at your own risk. Or pleasure. Whatever.

I walked around my new apartment in the city, stoked for my first Electric Daisy Carnival New York experience. I was even more excited to share it with the one I loved, a boyfriend of roughly a year (I say roughly, because we don’t know when our relationship became what it is now). We had our rave gear ready, our kandis collected, our drugs bought, our vitamins stocked.

Blackout.

I was at a parking lot. A girl came up to me and asked if I wanted to buy an EDC ticket for $40. I got mine for $160, the normal way. I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea, but I bought her ticket on top of the one I already had.

What was I supposed to do with two tickets? I didn’t even buy tickets for different days. I had two Saturday tickets.

I called D.

“So now we have three tickets for EDC on Saturday. Do you want to try selling one of them to make some money?”

“I gotta go.” He sounded bored.

“Oh, okay. See you soon?”

Click.

He didn’t even reply to me. Something was off.

Blackout.

I looked through D’s notebook. Or maybe it was a yearbook. He’d left it at my place. There were a lot of photos. There was one girl who kept popping up, page after page. She was a mix of Asian and Caucasian. She was bigger than me. Shoulder length brown hair, liked to wear cardigans and cowboy boots. She drew hearts all over his notebook, leaving behind love notes I did not bother to read.

I turned the chrome knob to turn on the shower. I stepped under the running water and let the heat steam up the glass wall. I saw D and friends walk in through the front. The girl was with him. I smiled. The bathroom had no walls. Everyone could see me in the shower, naked and wet and vengeful. D and I locked eyes through the glass. He looked away first.

I stepped out of the shower, still naked and dripping wet. I didn’t even bother to grab a towel. My apartment was temperature controlled. It was perfect for bare skin.

I grabbed a tall glass cup and filled it with water from my chrome kitchen faucet. I handed it to the girl, “Drink.”

“Hey, I’m really sorry- ”

“Drink.”

Blackout.

D told me I was too crazy and psychotic to keep up with. I moved too fast. I thought too much. My mind went to places he didn’t know existed. I was dark and evil. It scared him. I scared him. That was his justification for cheating on me for weeks on end.

I didn’t feel anything. No remorse. I stared out my window, into the evening cityscape. No sadness. I ran my fingers against the smooth chrome faucet. No regret. I couldn’t feel anything.